You are an enigma.

 

Gross!! But, I suppose if I can help soften up constipation, then at least my life has meaning.

 

With all these poop jokes, I'm thinking you may be less old man, more preteen boy

 

I'm a preteen boy in an old man's body. I have acne AND liver spots.

 

I can't believe I'm saying this, but you may have just surpassed Rick on the hotness scale.

 

Just now????? Not until now??? Hmmpfft.

 

You haven't even told me which Lost character you most closely resemble.

 

Hmmm, I can't really say I look like any Lost character, but if you forced me to pick one, I'd say imagine Jack, about 30% less muscular, probably not as good looking, and with a more outgoing sense of humor. . Although I remember when I watched the show I considered myself better looking than Dominic Monaghan, who played Charlie, and yet Evangeline Lilly dated Dominic for like 3 years!! I was on cloud nine when I heard that news. If Dominic had a chance, I have a chance, dammit!! Now I just need to become a multi millionaire actor. Shouldn't be hard.

 

Haha, I was joking. Let's just say you look as much like Jack as I look like Kate, and call it even.

Also, thank you for clarifying that Dominic played Charlie We actually flew on a plane with him once, during the height of his Lost fame. It was...stressful, to say the least.

 

I dated a flight attendant once, and she told me that one day there was this guy in first class, who was really goofy looking, and she was sure he used to work with her father. She was 100%, because he was so goofy looking, and she wouldn't forget that face. So like three times, she said "are you sure??? My dad's name is so-and-so, and he used to work at....blah blah blah", and he kept saying, 'nope, sorry, not me', and he finally sounded a bit irritated so she stopped questioning him. As the plan landed, and he got up to leave, he walked passed her and said "I'm Steve Buscemi".

 

I hope you broke up with her for not recognizing the amazing face of Mr. Pink and Phil from The Adventures of Pete and Pete.

 

Well, Steve Buscemi is kinda funny looking.

 

I wanted to. . This girl was actually a complete flake in general. Constantly had crazy hairbrained schemes and ideas. Talking to her was like having Crissy Snow from Three's A Company come to life out of your television screen. One day she was waiting for me at my car when I got out of work, all excited, and she told me we had to go to the casino right away. I asked why, and she told me that she and a friend of hers [who was a fry cook at a dive bar] had figured out a way to mathematically beat the roulette wheel. Mathematicians have tried to mathematically beat the roulette wheel since the 1790's when the modern wheel format was invented. There's no mathematically way to beat the odds in roulette, and certainly no way SHE and this idiot would figure out lol. So I asked her what this equation was. Her exact words were "I bet on red. You bet on black. That way, whatever comes up, we can't lose!"

I'm just going to repeat that, because it deserves another go around: "I bet on red. You bet on black. That way, whatever comes up, we can't lose!"

Yeah, and we also can't win, lol. And actually we CAN lose [and will lose over time], because she forgot there are also 2 green squares on the wheel. So we'll just stay dead even most of the time, and occasionally both lose when it falls on green. In addition to that, the guy running the roulette with think we are mentally retarded. So we'd have that going for us as well.

Anyway, I was very nice, I didn't condescend to her, like I wanted to, and I just explained how we would never come out ahead. She got really angry with me and stormed off, like it was my fault the plan didn't work. Like if it hadn't been for me, she would have been rich.

 

DAFUQ

 

Amazing how no one else has ever figured out this fool proof method.

 

At least the story didn't end with you taking her to a casino anyway because you wanted to get in to her pants.

 

Ahhhhh the joys of being homo.

 

I hang out with homos so I know for a fact that gay equality means equal chance of being a nutjob.

 

I literally cannot roll my eyes any farther back into my head.

 

Sorry about that, I've had a lot of practice.