I originally posted this on another forum- but someone pointed out that it was more appropriate to this one. So here it is.

I asked myself if we actually did have to fight zombies, what would be the best melee weapon to use?

Now while there are all sorts of different ways to kill humans, there is only one way to kill a zombie: destroy its brain. Looking to history, is there any weapon that consistently did more brain damage than any other? The answer is definitely the mace. There are numerous historical accounts of maces smashing people’s heads apart like rotten melons. Granted there aren’t many maces to be found around these days. So we want something that is like a mace.

What other qualities are important?

Unencumbering: The single greatest advantage humans have over zombies in a physical conflict is their mobility. Zombies are slow and awkward. Humans can oftentimes simply outmaneuver zombies. So you want a weapon that is not too heavy or too bulky that would slow you down or get in the way.

Speed: Handling one or two zombies is not that big of deal. It is when you are surrounded or backed into a corner by a large group that you are in the most danger. Accordingly you want a weapon that’s fast and able to dispatch several zombies quickly.

Precision: The conventional wisdom when using most melee weapons was to aim for the center of the body. The torso affords a very large target and you had a good chance of hitting something vital. Trouble is this won’t work with a zombie. Stab it repeatedly in the chest and it will just keep coming towards you. With a zombie you have to always aim for the forehead. That means a moving target no bigger than a cantaloupe. You want a weapon that you can wield with good control and aim.

Force of Impact: the brain is actually one of the most protected organs in the human body. Unfortunately on TWD they have a tendency to depict damaging the brain to be about as easy as poking a stick through wet cardboard. The skull provides a thick layer of bone to defend the brain. So it is going require a weapon that can impart considerable force to break through both bone and brain.

Smoothness: having smashed in the zombie’s head you have now created a gooey mess of blood and bone and brain. Not only that but you’ve killed the zombie, which means it is going to immediately collapse and pull any weapon that is still stuck in it down with itself. You don’t want a weapon with any bits that might get caught. Again, the most critical time your weapon is needed is when you are surrounded. The last things you need is to try and wrestle it free from the zombie’s head while a bunch of other zombies closes in on you. This is another aspect that show tends to oversimplify. On the TWD, if someone’s weapon gets stuck in a zombie, all you have to do is give it a slight nudge and the weapon will pull free, cleanly and easily.

Durability: In the ZA, melee weapons are going to be exposed to very harsh conditions. Not only will they be repeatedly used to brutally smash in zombies’ heads – but they will also be submitted to terrible environmental elements – water, mud, dirt, oil, sweat, and blood. What’s more, it’s likely that it might be days, even weeks before you are able to find the tools to repair or maintenance any weapon. You don’t want anything where blades will chip or dull, moving parts will get gummed up, or thin enough to bend or snap, or soft enough to crack or break.

Reach: Given that even a slight bite from a zombie anywhere on the body is a guaranteed death sentence – you want to try to stay back when attacking one. On the show, they seem way too cavalier about bites and often times get so close to a zombie they could kiss. However, there are a couple problems with long weapons. First of all, the longer the weapon, the harder it is too aim properly. So you start to lose that important precision. Secondly, large weapons require more space to use them effectively. Again, the most dangerous conditions are when you are surrounded or backed into a corner. So having a weapon that is too large won’t help you at all. We need to be Goldilocks on this: not too short, not too long, but just right. I’d say about 2-3 feet long would be enough.

Ease of Use: The vast majority of people have little to no training with the use of melee weapons. So we want a weapon that is very simple and basic. Now Michonne’s Katana or Morgan staff may look cool – but you have to understand weapons like that require both skill and experience before they can be wielded effectively. Unless you’re lucky enough like Morgan to find your own Hapkido master to teach you the Way of the Bo – it would be best to use a weapon with instructions that are nothing more complicated than “Bash ‘em in the head!”

Multipurpose: In the ZA, you’ll rarely be killing zombies just for the sake of killing zombies. Most likely you’ll be in the middle of some other activity – scavenging for supplies, scouting an area, travelling – and you’ll happen to run into zombies that you’ll have to deal with. So it would be best to a have something that not only works as weapon against zombies but is a practical tool as well. Remember, the less you have to carry, the better.

Keeping all these factors in mind, I give you the ultimate zombie weapon: the crowbar. It’s not heavy or bulky; it’s fast, precise, strong, smooth, durable, of medium length, and easy to use. Not only that, it also makes a great survival tool: you can pry open doors and boxes, or smash windows – useful for both scavenging and escaping.